The most important conversation
Like many of you, I’ve had a few difficult one on one conversations this past week.
To be clear, I’m using “difficult” very carefully here. My recent conversations have been difficult for me. For me. And I fully acknowledge that difficult for me looks different than difficult for others. Cultural organizations often use “difficult” or “hard” as a stand in for “hard for white men or white women” and though we certainly all have hard, I’m working to be increasingly focused on when and how I use those descriptors.
According to the authors of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, any difficult conversation is really three conversations - what happened, how it made us feel and how it either shored up - or shook up - our self-identities. The authors put forth that we make three major errors in our conversations:
We assume we already know all we need to know about a situation, and, perhaps most damaging, that our understanding of the situation is correct.
We bury or fear articulating our feelings, which often results in us ultimately expressing those feelings in ways we regret later.
We ignore who we are, acting as if it is possible to separate our identities from the issues we are discussing.
And that third one? That’s become the most important conversation for me.
My husband recently asked me if I scheduled my annual mammogram. I responded, “no, things have been a little busy lately.” To be clear, I did not say this kindly. I said this through gritted teeth, a huge dose of my tween’s preferred sarcastic tone dripping off my tongue. What was I feeling? I was annoyed.
Stress, I rationalized. Global pandemic, I reminded myself. The fact that my house has not seen silence since March 14th, I justified. But, really? My annoyance was because I identify as a successful multi-tasker; the adult who manages the details of our family; and the daughter of a three-time breast cancer survivor. Him asking me if I remembered to schedule my appointment called into question those identities. A successful multi-tasker would have already done it. The family “organizer” would have already done it. The daughter of a survivor would have already done it. My annoyance at him asking? It wasn’t about him. It was about me.
Before we find ourselves in these conversations, especially those that we are planning to initiate, we must:
Sort out what happened. Where does our perspective come from? What do we think we know about the other person’s viewpoint? How do we know it? How have we contributed to the problem?
Understand our feelings. What emotions are we experiencing? Remember - emotions are never wrong. They simply are.
Determine how what we are feeling intersects with our understanding of ourselves.
And when we do have the conversation?
Keep your eyes on the prize. Difficult conversations will always fail if your goal is to determine who is right. You will be far more successful if you maintain your focus on achieving a mutually beneficial impact; AND,
Lead with care. No one likes to be confronted; most of us appreciate - or tolerate - being helped. When engaging in a conversation to help each other achieve common ground, we begin from a better place; BUT,
Don’t jump in to save the day too quickly. In my house, we apply the “I’m thirsty” rule - a lesson learned from Rosie Perez in White Men Can’t Jump. After complaining that she’s thirsty, and being brought a glass of water, Perez’s character says, “Honey, I said I was thirsty. I didn’t want a glass of water. I wanted empathy. I wanted you to say - I know what it’s like to be thirsty;” SO,
Don’t rush to solutions. You can’t solve issues that you don’t fully understand; THUS,
Don’t lead with your truth. Work from the premise that both of your viewpoints are valid. Describe the problem as the difference between your truths; THEN,
Listen to understand. Ask clarifying questions to learn - not to debate, i.e. avoid asking questions that you are asking to prove your own point. And, accept the answers you hear - remember that they are the expert of their experience, not you; ONLY THEN,
Share your viewpoint, your experiences, intentions, and feelings; AND FINALLY,
Problem solve. Create options that meet each of your most important concerns. Examine if there are issues that you can help resolve. Are there resources you can divert to clear a path for success? AND,
Commit to the work. Sometimes you won’t make progress. Talk about why and set the stage for what you can do in the future.
Even using the framing above, these conversations still have the potential to be hard. Three tools that might help: personal guidelines, pocket phrases, and - in a professional context - a clear idea of your institutional non-negotiables (more on these in a future blog.)